


snow white

by daibikd



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Crush, F/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, he has a gf but... well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daibikd/pseuds/daibikd
Summary: Olli Riedel never expected to fall in love. Let alone with Richard's ex-girlfriend. But life finds a way, and over the years he finds himself falling...
Relationships: Oliver Riedel/Original Female Character(s), Richard Kruspe & Oliver Riedel, oliver riedel x reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

She twirled in her bright yellow skirt, laughing. I felt my heart twist up inside my chest, painfully beating against my ribs. Every time she laughed, when her cherry-red lips curled up and those moss-green eyes crinkled at the corners, I fell a little bit deeper. 

It was no coincidence that I had chosen this video, this idea. Myths and fairytales had always captured my mind as a child, and I had daydreamed about being the prince that rescues the beautiful princess from her tower. Now, my princess twirled and dipped before me, chattering away in her bright accented tongue, and there was no way for me to make her mine.

Ellie. The seventh member of our rebellious experiment that had grown way beyond what we ever thought it would. We had joked when she first joined that she would ever be the odd one out. The only girl, the only non-German. The prettiest, the loveliest, the cleverest. We had been against it at first - what band needs two bassists? But Richard had already fallen under her spell, and it wasn't long before the rest of us did, too.

I remember the first time we met, when she clasped my hand with such warm sincerity. Her hair was shorn short, fire engine red, and her smile was like the sunshine breaking out from behind the clouds. 

For those first few years, I half-heartedly thought about pursuing her. I had a girlfriend briefly that told me she bored me because she wasn't Ellie. I guess she was right. She had me charmed, bewitched. I followed blindly in her wake like the tides following the moon.

Of course, it wasn't long before Richard seized her. I should have seen it coming. He burned bright as an open flame and she added fuel to his fire. Together, they shone so bright you could barely keep your eyes on them.

And then it happened one day. Some minor disagreement and he had stormed in, flaying us with his razor-sharp tongue. I must have made some sarcastic comment because he rounded on me, setting me straight in his targets. She raised her voice, then. My girl, who was never anything but gentle, snapped at him with burning anger on my behalf. He had stormed out, and she shot me a sweet, apologetic look. That's when I knew what to call this overwhelming, paralysing emotion I felt towards her. 

We watched the Snow White movies one day, and I found myself captivated by the similarities. Her jet black hair, pale, delicate skin, cherry-red lips. The dwarves would have laid down their lives for her without a second thought. I had to show her. 

Through some magic, the others agreed with me. They thought the contrast was daring, provoking. She smiled at me, a mysterious, intimate smile, and I was caught between begging her to understand and desperate for her never to know what I meant. 

When she came in dressed as Snow White, my heart stopped. Her skirts were yellow as sunshine and half as bright as her smile. "Look, schnelle!"  
I smiled weakly.  
"How do I look?"  
She dipped, sweetly, shooting me that gorgeous smile that she reserved just for me.  
I had no words. How could you describe a dream come to life?  
Her smile widened, and she stepped towards me. This close, she seemed too bright to be real.  
She placed a tiny hand on my chest and I felt my heart jump. It was as though she was calling it out of my chest with her touch.  
"I think I shall call you Bashful!" She laughed, giving me a tiny wink and twirling away.

My brain shook with denial; no no no no no! But I knew I was gone.


	2. Ellie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snapshot of Ellie's experience of Olli.

Left, two, left, two, left, two three four...

The fire gushed. Till's guttural growls filled the arena, the crowd screaming along with him. I danced with the fire, fingers numb against the vibrating metal, the electric thrum of my bass tearing up my spine. 

I turned, marching along the stage, keeping in time with my brothers. Paul's boots hit the floor every time Doom snapped the snare drum.

Left.

The crowd screamed as one. The sea of people rocked with the music, waves of joy rolling out across the stadium. 

I gravitated towards him like a moth towards a flame. In his mesh hood, makeup black as night, army boots to his calves, he was like a nightmare apparition. His bass was so low that it vibrated through my collarbones. 

He leapt from the top stage and approached me. When our basses met, the stadium shook with thunder. He rocked in time with me, so intimate in front of a crowd of thousands. Tens of thousands. It was just us, each note in time, complementing, building up.

Left.

The song finished with a crash, a crack of lightning. My head span. I always felt high coming off stage. The next few hours were a blur, seven hearts still beating as one, ears ringing, skin tingling and blistering from the flames.

Down in the tunnel, I felt hands on my bare back and gasped. They burned hotter than the fire. I turned and he pressed me up against the wall, stepping out of line with the rest of the crew. Oliver. His eyes glittered in the dark, the scent of smoke and fire and him overcoming me.

He ran his hand up to my neck, cupped my jaw. I shivered as he leaned close to my ear and whispered, "You are the best fucking bassist I know."

I couldn't help myself. I gasped as his hand ran up my side, settling just below my bra. 

"You're the best. The best. The whole fucking stadium wanted you tonight. We all did."

Just like that, he stepped back and kept on down the corridor. I slumped against the wall, panting. 

Why did his touch burn like fire?


	3. lemon kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who needs a summary anyhow?

I swept the spoon around the edge of the bowl, scooping up sugary batter, and smiled with satisfaction.

"Hey, you wanna come try this?"

Oliver looked up from where he was leaning against the counter, raising an eyebrow. "Has it gone how you wanted it to?"

I nodded, grinning. He stood straight, rolling his shoulders as he crossed to me. "Looks like I'm going to have to taste it for myself."

My heart skipped a beat at the subtle hint of flirtation in his tone. Oliver was a master at this - gentle teasing implications that you could never call him out on, but made you feel on fire. 

He stood over me and I caught a scent of his cologne. God, that shit was good. He had always smelled like the ocean, like a pine forest, and today was no exception. I tried to look anywhere but at his chest in his tight sweatshirt as he leaned over me. He swept a finger in the bowl and tasted the mix. 

Eyes fluttering shut, he sighed heavily. "Oh, El. You've done it again." 

"Is it ok?" I grinned cheekily at him.

A small smile sneaked onto his face. "It's amazing. Just like my grandmother used to make." He opened his eyes and looked down at me, resting his hands on the counter either side of me.

"Good." I murmured, meeting his gaze. 

His eyes were so beautiful. On the best of days, they were a light stormy grey, flecked with emerald that in the right light made his eyes shine green. Today, however, as he stood less than a foot away from me, they looked wolfishly silver. 

I couldn't help myself. My eyes flicked down to his chest, taking in the low V of his shirt that showed the top of his chest hair and the outline of his chest. I glanced back up and saw his head tilted slightly, a cocky smile on his face.

When I opened my mouth to speak, I found I had nothing to say. He raised an eyebrow slightly, and ever so slowly raked his gaze down my body. I was suddenly hyper aware of my tight tank top, how it was tugged low to show the swell of my breasts, the tiny shorts that covered nothing at all.

When he lifted his eyes back to mine, I found myself breathing as though I had run a marathon. The foot of space between us thrummed with tense energy. 

"Do you want to try it?" He murmured.

Without waiting for me to answer, he dipped a finger in the batter and raised it to my lips. Shivering at the intimate gesture, I gently took his hand and slipped his finger into my mouth. I watched his eyes flutter, and he made a tiny noise - of satisfaction? 

The tart taste of lemon combined beautifully with the sugar. It was a mouthwatering combination of flavour. I couldn't stop myself letting out a small moan of pleasure.

Olli breathed out heavily and stepped forward. He was between my legs, our thighs brushing each other, sending electric tingles up my spine.

"Is that good?" He whispered. I rolled my tongue around his finger and his breath hitched. 

I slid his finger from my mouth with a pop. "It's amazing." 

His heady scent and his predatory gaze spurred me to boldness. Impulsively, I reached down and dipped a finger in the batter. His eyes widened as I offered it to him. 

Slowly, gently, as though scared I would bolt, he took his hand in mine and brought my finger to his lips. His mouth was hot, and I almost gasped as his tongue flicked up and down its length. His eyes closed reverentially. 

When he took my finger from his mouth, he linked fingers with me and clasped my hand tight. "It tastes so good." 

His low voice sent stars shooting through my stomach. He was so close to me that I could almost feel his warm breath on my neck. 

I felt a sudden, almost uncontrollable urge to kiss him. What? The rational part of my brain trembled, trying to throw the brakes on the situation. But his hand where he clasped mine was warm and his expression filled with open longing as oh god he leaned in eyes closed lips so close to mine - 

A loud jangling tone cut through the air as his phone vibrated loudly on the countertop. We froze, his lips an inch from mine, so close I could feel his beard tickling my skin. 

"Fuck," he laughed shakily, pulling away. I whined as cool rushed in where he had been, and he gave me a soft smile. "If that's Schneider, I'm going to fucking kill him."  
I laughed, sitting back on the counter, mind whirling.  
Olli picked up his phone and hit the call button. "Hello."   
Schneider's excited voice rang tinnily from the handset. "How's your date going-"

"Hello, Schneider." Olli cut him off, loudly. "What do you want?" He shot me an exasperated look, shrugging helplessly, before stepping out of the room.

My heart hammered in my chest. Date? Was that what this was?! This summer I had hung out with him so often on our own that it had become normal for us. Him coming over for breakfast before surfing, going out for drinks, lunches...

Oh god. Was this a date?! 

I froze, listening to Olli's soft voice drift from the other room. How... How did I feel about that? Were we dating? Is that what this was?

No. I had to be overthinking it. Schnei was probably just joking around...

But then why was he teasing Olli about a date if he knew he was with me? 

And had he just nearly kissed me? 

I wriggled off the counter top. With hands shaking, I poured myself a drink. Dating Olli? 

Sure, I had considered it before, in some secret corner of my brain that never saw the light of day. Ever since we first met, I'd had half a crush on him. A man of few words he may be, but his razor-sharp wit and bubbling energy more than made up for that. Plus, you couldn't deny that he was handsome.

For a moment I allowed myself to think about kissing him, and I shuddered. I took another sip of wine. I couldn't think about that... It was bad enough for the band when Richard and I dated. Plus, Richard himself would lose his mind. He was still so possessive of me even now.

But Olli had smelled so good, and the way he licked my finger...

The door creaked open and I jumped. Olli entered, shooting me a confused glance at my shock. I tried valiantly to cover it up. "Hey, how's Schneider?"

Olli rolled his eyes. "A fool. As always." 

I smiled widely and gestures towards the wine bottle. He nodded, coming close to me with his empty glass.

I shuddered as I refilled the glass, his presence overwhelming me. 

Girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. The rational part of my mind drilled into me. 

The other, less rational side shook, still feeling the fire of his touch.


	4. smoke to flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a summary

He moved towards me languidly, stepping through the crowd like a shark. Instantly, all my attention was on him. He was head to toe in black today, still half in his tour uniform, tall and dark and handsome.

The conversation around me faded as he placed his hand on the small of my back. His beard tickled my ear as he leaned in and whispered, "Ellie. I need to speak with you."

I looked up. "Of course, you ok?" 

He nodded, inclining his head towards the outside doors. I followed him through the crowd, ducking and weaving around the drunken partygoers. He opened the door for me and I stepped out into an empty corridor. 

"What did you want to speak to me about?" 

The door swung shut behind him, muffling the sounds of the party. The dull thud off the bass echoed through the silent corridor. 

Olli stepped towards me without a word. His expression was indecipherable, and I smiled nervously at him. "You alright?"

In a heartbeat, he closed the gap between us and bent his head to kiss me. 

All collapsed into silence except the ringing in my ears. He was here, so warm, so present, and everything else faded into the background. Whatever fantasy I could have conjured about kissing him paled in comparison to his soft mouth, the rough texture of his beard, the enticing flick of tongue just beyond his lips. I was enchanted in the scent of sandalwood, peach, pine, fresh ocean air, a mountain stream. It was only when he reached up to gently cup my face that I came to my senses. Like a bubble popping, the illusion came crashing down. 

I pulled back slightly, murmuring,  
"Olli, we have to stop. You have a girlfriend."

"Mmhm." 

"Olli-"

I pushed him gently away. My lips still tingled electrically from his kiss. He looked at me longingly, with open desire on his face. If anyone stepped round that corner now, there would be no doubt about what we'd been doing. He met my gaze, searching. A hand reached up to brush a strand of hair from my face, and he leaned in, brushing the lightest of kisses to my lips.

"Olli..." I whispered, trying to ignore the hammering of my heart in my ears.

"I love you." He murmured, brushing a thumb over my bottom lip. "I need you."

My mind went utterly, blissfully blank. Then -  
"No." With the last of my strength, I pulled back. He looked at me questioningly.

"Olli, think of Anna."

At her name he stiffened, his face darkening. "She won't know."

"That's not the point. You made a commitment to her. This is... This is wrong."

He drew back to his full, imposing height, a scowl beginning to break on his face. "It's my decision. It's not your relationship." 

"No, but I refuse to be the reason it ends." I crossed my arms, meeting his gaze levelly. 

"You can't just kiss who you like, when you like. You'd get angry at Richard for doing the same thing."

At Reesh's name, Olli's brows drew down in a full scowl. "I'm nothing like him!"

"Oh yeah?" I shot back. "What was that just now then?"   
"You're not just anyone. You're you."

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" 

He waved a hand in frustration. "It's you. It's... Us. You and me."

I raised an eyebrow at him silently. He struggled for words.

"We've... We're different. It's not just like Richard. You're not just some girl. This is... Ugh, I don't know! More than that." 

I continued to stare him down.

"I - fucking hell, I don't know. You know what I mean."   
He rolled his shoulders and huffed in frustration, and for the first time I realised just how drunk he was. He always hid it so well, it was never easy to tell. But the way his eyes were flicking around the place, the slight lilt in his North German burr... I didn't have to taste the vodka on his lips to know how gone he was.

"No. You are drunk, and this is a mistake."

He reeled back as though I had hit him. "A mistake?" 

"Yes, Olli. You have a girlfriend. You shouldn't have kissed me." I did my best to hide the tremor in my voice.  
"Kissing you was not a mistake." As he spoke, I heard it - a thick cloud of grief that crept into his otherwise carefree tone. I couldn't bear to hear it.

"Don't do this, Oliver." I said gently. "You know you'll wake up in the morning and have a thick head, and you'll go to Anna, and you'll regret it."

"I won't regret it." He said, voice shaking. "I won't."   
"Olli..."

He stepped forwards, taking my face in both his hands. With a deep, shaky breath, he leaned in and pressed soft kisses to my forehead, my brow, my eyelids, moving down to my mouth. 

"No, we..."

He kissed me once, twice. My resolve melted with every sweet taste of his lips. 

"This is not a mistake. This is the first thing I've done right in a long time." He whispered, resting his forehead against mine. "I love you." 

I felt a huge, sickening pit open up in my stomach. How often had Anna heard those words? How often had he kissed her like this?

I pulled back, sharply. Olli stared at me, nonplussed.  
"Oliver, you can't do this to me. To either of us. Please... Go home to Anna." My voice shook. "This is just a drunken mistake, you understand? We have to stop."  
With every word, his face crumpled. I felt a sharp stab of pain at his wounded look.

"Ellie, I-"

"No, Olli! Stop it! We shouldn't- we shouldn't have done this."

With the last of my courage, I darted past him, doing my best to ignore him calling my name.

Back in the party, the air was oppressive. Hot. The smoke filled my lungs and stung my eyes. From deep within me, I could feel the fear and the sadness and the guilt coming like a tide. No, I couldn't break down here - anywhere but here. I weaved almost drunkenly in between the partygoers. Strangers, all of them. Where was everyone? Where had they gone? The air drew closer, like the deep breath before lightning strikes where all the hairs rise on your arm. I started to panic. I had to get away. I needed to be away from this, from everyone, from him -

I spotted him. Richard, lounging across the room with his arm around some girl. Feeling hot tears spike the back of my eyes at the sight of him, I staggered over.

The girl widened her eyes when she saw me approach. Reesh was deep in conversation with a group of strangers, waving his hands animatedly and slurring a monologue. As I reached their table, the girl pulled on his sleeve and gestured to me.

"Ellie! My favourite girl! You're just in time, I was just telling this guy -"

"Reesh. I need you. Now." I said. He gazed at me, unfocused. "Huh?" 

"Please." My voice was thick with unspent tears. A switch tripped deep in his drunken brain and his expression instantly switched to calm, serious. "What do you need?"

Not trusting myself to speak, I gestured with my head towards the nearest set of doors. Reesh nodded and stood, raising a hand in passing to his companion and guiding me out through the doors.

We were on the balcony. The beautiful Vienna skyline stretched out before us, lights twinkling in the dark night sky. Luckily, the place wasn't too crowded, and Reesh steered me to a dark corner with a blissfully empty sofa.  
"Els, what's wrong?"

The second I turned to face him, the dam inside me broke. I took one short, choking sob, before burying my face in his neck and losing myself.

It felt like hours before I came back to the present. I was enveloped in Reesh's arms, his familiar scent of cigarettes and leather and Richard giving me an overwhelming sense of comfort. He was rubbing my back gently, making little hushing sounds and murmuring "There, chick, it's going to be ok, alright babe, hush, it's ok." Choking off a sob, I pulled back slightly, furiously wiping at my eyes with a sleeve.

"I'm so sorry, Reesh," I said, voice heavy.   
"It's fine - Els, what happened?!"

I looked up and saw genuine, deep concern on his face. He looked almost frightened. 

"I'm sorry, I'll be ok, I just - I just had a bit of a meltdown."

"You don't say! What on earth caused this? I haven't seen you like this since..." His voice trailed off, and I suddenly understood the root of his fear.

"No, it's nothing like that, Shar. It's..." I bit my lip, tears welling up again in my eyes. I shook my head, mutely.  
"It's ok. We don't have to talk about it now." He drew me back in to a tight hug. 

No matter what happened between us, there was something about being in his arms that made everything seem alright. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, letting the guilt-ridden thoughts wash over me. 

When I opened my eyes a few moments later, I saw Olli.  
He was poised in the door to the balcony, looking over at us with a raw expression of pain. Before I could react, he shook his head in disbelief and turned back through the balcony doors. 

Instantly, I felt an overwhelming rush of panic and guilt, and I choked out something unintelligible. Richard exclaimed in alarm, but I was too busy sobbing heartbroken into his shoulder to notice.

What must he think of me?


	5. flames to ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is even more A SUMMARY

I groaned from my position facedown on the table.   
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and tell us what happened."

Jenny's sharp, no-nonsense tone rang out in the room. I could always trust her to give it to me straight, which is why I had retreated to the company of her and Ulrike like a scalded cat.

We were sat round the beautiful oak breakfast table in Schnei's kitchen, sharing a large bottle of gin that was already halfway gone. I had spent the last hour deflecting and being unnecessarily vague, still too shocked by what happened to process it. Ulrike had shooed Schneider out the door earlier, saying, "You men are not welcome on a girl's night." One look at my forlorn face and there had been a Schneider-shaped dust-cloud in the kitchen where he had been.

I looked up at Jenny. Her and Ulrike wore the same expression of concern. 

"Not that I don't relish any opportunity to spend time with you beautiful ladies, but really, Ellie - we're worried. What happened?" Ulrike said gently. Jenny raised her eyebrows at me, leaning across to refill my glass. 

"Sorry for calling you two out. I guess... I just freaked." I said, trying not to meet their gaze.

Ulrike clicked her tongue. "It must have been something bad indeed to rattle you. You know we're here for you, Ellie?"

"I know. Thank you." I shot a grateful smile at her, which she returned. 

I sighed, deeply, spreading my hands on the table. "Ok. So. Theoretically. Is it bad if someone who is in a relationship kisses you out of nowhere?"

"No!" and "Yes." rang out in the kitchen at the same time. Ulrike and I looked at Jenny, surprised. 

"What?" She said. "If the kiss is consensual, then you must have done something to lead the committed person on. Then you knew that was a possible outcome, so you are also a guilty party." 

I grimaced. "Yeah... I guess you're right."

"But you aren't the one in the relationship. That's down to them!" Ulrike shot back.

Jenny shook her head. "That doesn't mean you are ignorant of the relationship."

"I suppose..." Ulrike frowned. Then she jerked her head up at me, and said,  
"Ellie... Who kissed you?" 

I opened my mouth, then promptly shut it again. Ulrike's eyes widened.

"Oh god. Oh no... Not Paul?!" 

I snorted. "No, Christ, not Paul."

Ulrike looked nonplussed for a second before her jaw dropped.

"Not... Not Oliver?"

She stared at me, questioning. I groaned and sank my head to the table once more. Jenny exclaimed, "Oliver?!" as her and Ulrike burst into a barrage of questions.   
I felt Ulrike's knuckles rap on the table. "Hey. No. You can't put your head in the sand about this. Oliver kissed you?"

I nodded as best as I was able to from facedown.

"Christ, Ellie. Ok, this changes things." Ulrike sounded... Curiously concerned?

I lifted my head to look at them both. Jenny was staring at me open-mouthed, and Ulrike looked, for want of a better word, anxious.

"Why does it change things if it was Oliver?" 

"Because, well... It's not just anyone. It's you two." 

"That's exactly what he said!" I exclaimed wildly, waving my hand. "That doesn't mean anything! The fact that we are who we are doesn't change that he is in a relationship and he snogged me in a corridor the other night!"

Ulrike's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, you said kissed. Exactly how full on was this?" 

Jenny still looked shellshocked. 

"It wasn't... Y'know... He kissed me a few times. But I didn't kiss back!" I protested as Jenny's jaw fell open.  
Ulrike rubbed her forehead in consternation. "Oh, Olli, you silly, silly bastard." 

I looked desperately between them. "It's bad, isn't it?"   
They nodded, and we sat in silent contemplation for a few moments. 

"Well, at least he didn't confess his love for you or anything like that," Jenny said jokingly.

I froze, staring down at the grains and whorls of wood in the table. I heard a sharp intake of breath. 

"Oh, no. He did, didn't he?"

I swallowed, hard. "He said he loved me. And that he needed me."

"Christ." Jenny muttered under her breath. I knocked back the last of my drink, and Ulrike silently stood to refill it. Shaking her head, she poured herself a strong drink.

"What do I do? Should I tell Anna?"

"NO!" They both spoke at the same time, and I flinched. "You can't. Can you imagine how much it would hurt her if you came and told her?" 

"Plus," Jenny laughed, "There's a good chance she'd go full psycho and actually kill you." 

I snorted humourlessly. "But if it was me... I'd want to know."

We considered that for a moment. Then - 

"No." Ulrike said with finality. "It's not your relationship. It's Olli's problem to sort out. You just make sure your heads in the right place - that's the most important thing." 

Jenny looked thoughtfully down at her glass. "Why didn't you push him away?" 

"Huh?"

We both turned to look at her. She stared back, nonplussed. 

"You could have shoved him away. Slapped him. How come you didn't?"

"I never said I didn't." I muttered.

"But you didn't." This was a statement. Very slowly, I nodded. 

"Why?" Ulrike asked, softly.

"I don't know. It was weird, I guess. It was a weird moment. I didn't really know what to do." 

"Ah! I think I've worked out the problem here." Jenny clapped her hands together with finality. I looked at her quizzically. 

"So - I want you to imagine a scenario for me, ok?" 

I nodded.

"Ok - Paul comes up to you after a show, and kisses you -"

"Ew." I wrinkled my nose.

"Aha! There it is!" Jenny pointed at me triumphantly. 

"What?" I said, frustrated.

"Now imagine Richard comes to you and says hey, Ellie-" Here she put on a hilariously nasal Richard voice, and we burst out laughing, "Hey, I'm seeing this girl but do you want a one-night stand?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh god no. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Excellent impression, by the way." 

Jenny nodded sagely. "And yet Oliver kisses you and confesses his undying love and you come to us confused. What should I do? You say. You know exactly what you would do in that situation with anyone else, which means that what you are actually seeking is permission to see him behind Anna's back." 

I gasped at her, mouth opening and shutting like a fish.  
"No. That's - how can you possibly know that for certain?"

Jenny and Ulrike shared a look.

"You two have always had feelings for each other." 

"What?!" I exclaimed. "No - that's not - we absolutely don't. We're just - really close." 

They looked at me sceptically.

"Seriously! I mean, this was totally out of the blue. He just said he needed to speak to me, took me out in the corridor and bam." 

"And then he told you he loved you?"

I blushed. "Y-yeah. But I swear, I didn't mean to do anything. I was just so surprised! And I was drunk as well, which didn't help..."

Jenny tutted. "Eleanor, if you didn't want to kiss him on some level then you would have pushed him away."

I shook my head. "Look, I don't know what's going on with him but I don't feel that way about him." 

Jenny and Ulrike shared a look before bursting out laughing.

"H-hey!" I exclaimed. "What are you laughing at!"

Ulrike giggled at me. "Oh, come on! You can fool Richard with that bullshit, but not us."

"It's not bullshit!"

"Ok," Jenny laughed, "That's why you two ended up playing tonsil tennis when you've both got a few drinks in you!"

I flushed, frowning at them. "Olli and me are just friends. He was obviously just... Drunk, and going through a tough time. I don't know." 

Ulrike sobered up and stopped laughing. "No, Ellie."

I was surprised at how forceful her tone was.

"Oliver has been in love with you for a very, very long time."  
I reared back, gaping at her. "Excuse me? How do you know that?!"

She sighed, staring at the table. Jenny gave her a knowing look. Eventually, Ulrike said, "You can't tell him I told you. But Schneider told me."

"What?" I whispered. My friends suddenly looked a lot more serious. 

Ulrike grimaced, a guilty look on her face. "He told me a while ago, when we were first together. We had been drinking, and we were talking about all of you. I said how Olli seemed to have only eyes for you, and he told me that Olli had been in love with you for years."

I sat, frozen, staring at her. "When you were first together? That's..."

"Five years ago, yes."

I processed this. "Five. Jesus. How did Schnei even know?"

"Olli told him." Ulrike said.

My head spun. I could feel my heart thumping at a hundred miles an hour in my chest. 

"He told him... He was in love with me?"  
She nodded. 

"But... I don't understand... I was with Richard..."

Ulrike grimaced. "From what Schneider said, he's been pining since you first met." 

I gaped like a fish. "But... I... We... Jesus."

We sat in silence for a few seconds, until the loud slam of the front door jerked us all back to reality.

Happy drunk Schneider noises filtered through from the hallway. We eyed each other, and Jenny raised an eyebrow at Ulrike. "Good luck with that one tonight."  
Schnei clattered into the kitchen, throwing his jacket on the counter. "Hello, my beautiful wife! And my beautiful best friend! And my beautiful best friend's beautiful girlfriend!" He swung his arms out theatrically.

"Hello, Schnei-" I giggled, before choking off my sentence.

Olli walked through the door behind him. The second he laid eyes on me, he froze. The look in his eyes wasn't dissimilar to a deer in headlights. We stared at each other, speechless. Words unsaid hung heavy like smoke.

Blissfully unaware of the rising tension, Schneider happily clattered around the kitchen chatting away to Ulrike. My friends were similarly frozen - I could see them studiously trying not to look at either Olli or me.

Grabbing two glasses from the cabinet, Schneider turned while gabbling, "Bourbon, Olli?" 

Silence met his words. Blearily, he looked between me and Olli, nonplussed.

"Uh... Olli?"

The spell broken, Olli blinked rapidly and wet his lips with his tongue. "Please. Yeah. Hello, Eleanor."

"Hi, Oliver." I whispered.

Seemingly ignorant of the burning tension in the room, Schnei turned and poured two full tumblers of bourbon. He gabbled away, but it faded into the background as I stared at Olli. 

We locked eyes for what seemed like years. Then, I was brought back to reality abruptly with Schneider's confused wave.

"Uh. Guys? Hello? Earth to Oliver?"

Blinking as though waking from a spell, Olli looked at Schneider as though seeing him for the first time. "Sorry. Uh, actually, I just remembered. Surfing tomorrow. I can't. I should go." 

Schneider blinked in drunken confusion, watching as Olli turned on his heel and practically fled the room. "Hey, wait, Olli? Buddy?" 

He stumbled after him, and muffled German floated from the corridor. Beside me, Jenny let out a low whistle.  
"Jesus. He looked terrified." 

My heart still hadn't calmed down when I heard the front door slam. Unbidden, hot tears pricked at the back of my eyes. Seeing him made me feel physically sick.

"Oh, Ellie." Ulrike shot round the table and wrapped her arms around me. At her soft touch, I took two choking breaths, trying desperately not to break down.

Schnei, always with his excellent timing, chose that moment to walk back in. He froze in the doorway, a look of total bemusement and concern on his face. "What the hell is going on?" 

His previous happy mood had completely disappeared. Grabbing his drink, he scuttled over to me. "Has something happened?" 

I couldn't help myself. A hot tear trickled down my cheek, and Schnei let out a cry of dismay. 

The grain of the wood blurred between my tears. My friends fussed around me, but I could barely hear them over the ringing in my ears. 

Olli was my dearest, dearest friend. Nearly twenty years he had stood beside me, keeping me calm and grounded. He'd been with me through everything - every heartbreak, every celebration, every challenge. The way he looked at me just then... I had never imagined seeing such hurt in his eyes. Such pain. 

"Why did he have to fucking do that!" I sobbed.   
Rika hushed me softly, hugging me tight. I could hear Schnei and Jenny murmuring in the background, not hearing what they were saying until Schnei swore loudly.  
"What was that idiot thinking!" 

I felt a warm hand on my knee and, blinking away tears, saw him kneeling in front of me. I almost burst into tears again at the sight of his face. 

"Look, Els, you did the right thing. He should not have kissed you. I'll speak to him, ok? You deserve an apology." 

"No, no!" I cried, grabbing Schnei's hand. "Please don't speak to him. It's fine, honestly. We'll work things out."  
He looked sceptically at my tear-stained cheeks. "Eleanor..."

"No." I said firmly. "So long as this doesn't leave this room, everything will be fine. The band won't suffer, Anna won't suffer, and neither will he."

Jenny shook her head from across the table. "But you'll still be in pain. It's obviously really hurt you, El." 

Trying desperately to calm myself down, I rubbed angrily at my eyes. "I'm sorry for getting so emotional. I just..."

"You're just confused because he's decided to do this now. He's had years, for god's sake." Jenny looked angry.

Schnei gripped my hand firmly between his. His brows were drawn together in consternation.

"Look, El... We'll sort this, ok? Leave it with us."


	6. ... and ash to ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> summary

The doorbell rung, and I froze. My eyes flicked over to the clock. 11pm. Who the hell was here at this time?  
It rang again, insistently. More curious than annoyed, I put my book down and crossed to the door. I slid the deadbolts back just as it rang for a third time.

"Jeez, alright, I'm coming - oh."

Olli stood on my porch. He looked an absolute mess. Red-rimmed eyes, not from the cold. From the smattering of snowflakes covering his jacket, he had clearly been out a while. He stood bent, hands shoved firmly in his pockets, looking thoroughly miserable.

We regarded each other for a long second. Then-

"I'm sorry."

He sounded so quiet, so hurt, that any anger I had melted away like the snow fluttering through the air.

"Olli-"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I know you can't forgive me, and I don't want you to. I just wanted you to know that-"

"OLIVER."

He stuttered and fell silent, eyes wide. I jerked me head behind me, towards the flat. "Come in." 

"No, I-" He garbled.

"In. Now." 

Without waiting for an answer, I walked back into my apartment. I crossed to the kitchen and hit the switch on the kettle, turning to lean against the counter. Olli was still paused at the threshold. At the raise of my eyebrow, he stepped cautiously in and closed the door. I had never seen anyone look so uncomfortable before.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it was rude to wear your coat inside?"

He jumped at my voice, before slowly taking off his jacket and his scarf. He stood on my doormat dripping water, eyes downcast.

"You are allowed in, you know."

With a huge sigh, he slipped his shoes off and followed me to the kitchen. "I can't stay. I just-"

"Hush."

My tone brooked no arguments and he fell silent. I flitted round the kitchen, brewing up two coffees and studiously ignoring him. Only once I had placed the steaming mug next to him did I round on him, crossing my arms.

"So, you're sorry. Sure. That doesn't mean things can just go back to normal." 

He opened his mouth to speak and I held up a hand. "Uh-uh. I think you've done enough already. What happened, happened, and we can't change it. Now we have to figure out where we go from here."

"Where we go?" He murmured.

"First things first, you have to tell Anna." 

Olli flicked his eyes down, looking immensely guilty. "I... have." 

I felt my stomach fall to my feet. "Wait - you told her?"  
He nodded.

A deep, uncomfortable silence pervaded the kitchen.  
"So... How did she take it?" 

"As well as expected." He said curtly.

I stared at him. With a sigh, he picked up his coffee and cradled the mug in slightly shaking hands. "She wants some space to think about things. But she thinks we can move past this."

I felt it like a knife to my gut. "You're staying together?!"  
He nodded. "Unless she changes her mind."

"Oh." I stared at him. He stared studiously at the floor.  
What had I expected? That he would come to me and sweep me up in his arms like some sort of Disney prince? That we could just move past a destroyed relationship and ride into the sunset? It hurt how much it hurt. My brain was relieved. My heart...

"So. I wanted to apologise to you. So we can move past this too." 

He put his mug gently down on the side and crossed to me. I froze. With careful movements, he ran his hands down my arms and took both of my hands in his. With trepidation, I looked up and met his gaze. His stare seemed to go for a thousand leagues, full of ocean sorrow. "Can you forgive me for the damage I've done to our friendship?" 

His familiar voice, the calming grip of his hands on mine... I blinked rapidly, stemming the tears that threatened to come.

"Of course." I whispered hoarsely. "But why? Why now?"  
A look of deep, genuine pain flickered across his face. "I don't know. I'm so sorry. I couldn't wait any longer to - to - you know."

I squeezed his hands. "How long?" I said softly.  
Olli's eyes flicked shut. With a shuddery breath, "15 years. Since we met. More so... Recently." 

The silence that fell was delicate, quiet. I tried to meet his gaze. "Why?"

A brief look of confusion. "Why?" He repeated.

I nodded. He looked down at my hands, rubbing his fingers over mine. A brief pause, then he murmured, "Because you are my one. You always have been. You always will be."

"Then... Why are you staying with her?" The traitorous words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. His jaw twitched. I just had to know. If I hadn't asked him, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life."  
"Because it's the right thing to do." 

I nodded. That was my Oliver. Always the type to do whatever was best, no matter how hard it was. With a deep breath, I leant forward and crushed him in my arms. 

He made a small noise of surprise before folding into me. We held each other, gripping tight for dear life, savouring what could never be.

After what seemed like an age, I pulled back. He looked at me gratefully, reaching forward to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. 

"I forgive you." 

Olli blinked, surprised. "You don't have-"

"Hush. I forgive you." I smiled at him weakly.

He sighed, and all the tension rushed out his body. "Thank you." 

"Come on now. Let's finish our coffee."


End file.
